TRAVELS WITH WOODY: A Mover's Glossary

A Mover’s Dictionary of Terms

Arizona Groovin’ -1. the ongoing intestinal coup that results from curiously inexpensive produce of unknown origin that one stupidly gives a quick rinse and consumes with the gusto of a “smart” shopper. [In the U.S., the FDA would require a “Fecal Matter Included” sticker]; 2. the limp/trot/twist one must perform on the way to the john in order to avoid the unthinkable (See Public Staining)

Beach Brains - impression that surfers and other frequent beachgoers on the West Coast give to the East of the Mississippi native, that they are either ever-so-slightly brain damaged, severely drunk, or impossibly high.

“Bin it” – to store all of one’s belongings in large Tupperware so as to make sudden moves cross-country easier and more spontaneous. Also referred to as a Tupperware party.

Bungee – Sell a house. Fast.

Cary [NC] – Concentrated Area of Relocated Yankees

Cesspool – 1. Home with a mortgage so high it induces persistent diarrhea; 2. Home with a mortgage so high it drowns you in debt.
In order to avoid sudden death or divorce, one must roto-root it (see Below).

Cramp – 1.Unintentionally staying in a Stopover State longer than desired due to purchase of a fixer upper from Hell that must be completely gutted when both time and money are available simultaneously, i.e., when Hell freezes over and after the capital gains tax won’t devour any and all profits 2. At least two years.

“Dar” – NOT my name, as one of my small town co-workers thought for, like, ever.

“EAT ‘M” – East of the Mississippi

Fudgie – Tourist in any given city who thinks things that bore the locals to tears are “Grrreat!”…Exciting!”…”Yummy…!” , e.g., Visitors to Traverse City, Michigan (Cherry Capital and Home of the Annual Cherry Festival) actually buy - and eat and enjoy – something called “cherry sausage”, which looks and tastes like something a North Carolinian would classify as “jest ain’t right.”

Housewife – NOT me, or any other woman who decides to stay home and help her self-employed husband run his business while simultaneously pursuing her dream of writing a book. SO GET THAT STRAIGHT.

“Jackknifing” – To relocate in a geographically rotating scissor fashion across the continental U.S. of A., at times living again in cities lived in before. Also known as, ‘Wet’M and Eat ‘M’

Mapholder – god-like sage; one who knows how far to the next home state, destination, or rest stop. syn. the dog.

Mover’s High – Ignoramus state of mind induced by overdose of Places Rated Almanac and Money magazine’s Annual Livable City Issue, in which one actually believes a new place to live can cause Happiness.
syn. 1.See“Beach Brains” 2. ant. See “Three Month Slump”

Nirvana – as in the spiritual sense, the state never arrived at; the unattainable State.
In the movaholic mind, it is suspected to be somehow “just missed” while jackknifing across the country.

Ol’ Randy – atlas; road map. A name affectionately coined by spending waaaay too many hours looking through a Rand Mc Nally.

Public Staining- soiling oneself in public due to lack of Arizona Groovin’.

Q-Tips- White-haired Florida drivers, normally spotted swerving in and out of lanes at a minimum of ten miles per hour under the speed limit, oblivious of the pile-up behind them. The term “Q-Tip” refers to the only visible sign of a driver: the tuft of white hair visible over the steering wheel.

Rattle and Roll – Fix up and sell.

“renta heffa” – rent a U-Haul. A BIG one.

“Rise and Shine” – Move. Again.

RoadSpeak – the abbreviated code language one adopts as a result of stress caused by jackknifing across the country, i.e., this glossary.

“Roto-root it” – see “the Three R’s”

“shat on” – hurricane damage. For e.g., “The roof ripped off. We were shat on.”

“Sleepover State” – state or city lived in for three months or less. In this case, that would be Arizona, Colorado, New York (for David only since I am from there), and California – the second time.

SomberTown – 1. a new hometown that, while visited, is sunny. While LIVED in, the sun actually hides itself, even while shining brightly one half hour away. 2. any locale where Wal-Mart is King and neither Barnes &Noble nor Starbuck’s will touch.

“Stopover State” - state or city lived in for two excruciating years or less

Swan Dive – Moving to a new city, state, or hemisphere sight unseen and/or stupidly; the feeling one is left with when grieving the loss of a loved one.

THE LONG SEARCH

1985
Marist College
Poughkeepsie, NY

“Describe Hell.”
My five college roommates and I are lounging around one evening in our tiny apartment living room, in various stages of undress – Flash dance socks inside big, mangy bunny slippers, sweatpants with camisoles, and other weird collegiate loungewear. Our good friend, John, is asking us this question for a Philosophy assignment.
One by one my roomies answered:
“Burning hot.” Kelly.
“Everyone hates you in Hell!” Lea.
“You hate them!” Tammy.
“It is u-g-l-y.” Lynn.
“Country music blasting 24/7!” Courtney.
“Dara, how ‘bout you?” John asked.
“Hell…is a beautiful place,” I decided.
“Yeah?” he asked, pen poised. I saw Tammy roll her eyes and heard Kelly sigh, and Lea disappeared into the bathroom. I went on:
“Hell fools you. It has gorgeous scenery and people and there are buffets everywhere. But…Hell is a cruel place. You are truly damned if you do, or don’t. People are smiling and pleasant but they hate you; the flowers stink; the food gives you the runs.”
“Yeah!” yelled Lea from the bathroom.
“And?” John asked, scribbling.
“Cramps are even worse in Hell,” said Lynn thoughtfully.
“And men are even moodier,” added Kelly.
“And nothing you do in Hell pays or means a thing. It is, like, totally postal,” said Courtney.
“Even worse,” I added, “no matter how many degrees you have you will always be referred to as a ‘housewife.’
“No!”
“And… everyone calls you Ma’am in Hell!” Lynn, really on a roll now.
“Not only is Hell hot, but it is humid and sticky and filled with bugs you can’t see. But they bite – hard.” I went on:
“No matter how hard you try to fit in, in Hell, you don’t. Your fellow Hellions hate you. It is no use. Even worse, in Hell you get everything you ever wished for but realize it sucks.”
“Oo, this is good. Go on,” John ordered.
“In fact you realize in Hell that everything you ever believed to be true is wrong. Lying is King in Hell and Love is taken away.”
“She went to one of those Catholic schools,” Lynn whispered to Tammy, who nodded knowingly.
“Hell is NOISY. You are driven to distraction, no matter what you try to do. And, while it may look Rockwellian in Hell, everything is loaded with mouse dung.”
“Ew!” Collective disgust from the gallery.
“Anything else?” John asked.
“Hellions hate puppies.”
“Oh!” Group gasp.
There was a bit of a pregnant pause here. Finally, with wobbly pencil and saucer-like eyes, John asked,” What’s your vision of Heaven, then?”
“Heaven?” I asked.
Everyone nodded.
“Ask me if I get there.”
*
The following semester I took the b.s. – I mean, elective - course John had been doing this assignment for. It was aptly called The Long Search.
Basically, the Long Search is the frustrated attempt of all humanity to find nirvana: the ultimate self-peace. The professor who taught it must have found it because he kicked the almighty podium shortly after I finished the course.
In many ways the search for our Most Livable City was just that - a search for nirvana – with low property taxes and a nice front lawn. David and I were convinced on some level that Nirvana was actually a place, somewhere between San Diego and Weeki Wachee.
We just kept missing it, is all.
And Woody was always, always along for the ride.**
“The journey home is never a direct route; it is, in fact, always circuitous, and somewhere along the way, we discover that the journey is more significant than the destination, and that the people we meet along the way will be traveling companions of our memories forever.”

-NELSON DE MILLE
Up Country