TRAVELS WITH WOODY: A Mover's Glossary

A Mover’s Dictionary of Terms

Arizona Groovin’ -1. the ongoing intestinal coup that results from curiously inexpensive produce of unknown origin that one stupidly gives a quick rinse and consumes with the gusto of a “smart” shopper. [In the U.S., the FDA would require a “Fecal Matter Included” sticker]; 2. the limp/trot/twist one must perform on the way to the john in order to avoid the unthinkable (See Public Staining)

Beach Brains - impression that surfers and other frequent beachgoers on the West Coast give to the East of the Mississippi native, that they are either ever-so-slightly brain damaged, severely drunk, or impossibly high.

“Bin it” – to store all of one’s belongings in large Tupperware so as to make sudden moves cross-country easier and more spontaneous. Also referred to as a Tupperware party.

Bungee – Sell a house. Fast.

Cary [NC] – Concentrated Area of Relocated Yankees

Cesspool – 1. Home with a mortgage so high it induces persistent diarrhea; 2. Home with a mortgage so high it drowns you in debt.
In order to avoid sudden death or divorce, one must roto-root it (see Below).

Cramp – 1.Unintentionally staying in a Stopover State longer than desired due to purchase of a fixer upper from Hell that must be completely gutted when both time and money are available simultaneously, i.e., when Hell freezes over and after the capital gains tax won’t devour any and all profits 2. At least two years.

“Dar” – NOT my name, as one of my small town co-workers thought for, like, ever.

“EAT ‘M” – East of the Mississippi

Fudgie – Tourist in any given city who thinks things that bore the locals to tears are “Grrreat!”…Exciting!”…”Yummy…!” , e.g., Visitors to Traverse City, Michigan (Cherry Capital and Home of the Annual Cherry Festival) actually buy - and eat and enjoy – something called “cherry sausage”, which looks and tastes like something a North Carolinian would classify as “jest ain’t right.”

Housewife – NOT me, or any other woman who decides to stay home and help her self-employed husband run his business while simultaneously pursuing her dream of writing a book. SO GET THAT STRAIGHT.

“Jackknifing” – To relocate in a geographically rotating scissor fashion across the continental U.S. of A., at times living again in cities lived in before. Also known as, ‘Wet’M and Eat ‘M’

Mapholder – god-like sage; one who knows how far to the next home state, destination, or rest stop. syn. the dog.

Mover’s High – Ignoramus state of mind induced by overdose of Places Rated Almanac and Money magazine’s Annual Livable City Issue, in which one actually believes a new place to live can cause Happiness.
syn. 1.See“Beach Brains” 2. ant. See “Three Month Slump”

Nirvana – as in the spiritual sense, the state never arrived at; the unattainable State.
In the movaholic mind, it is suspected to be somehow “just missed” while jackknifing across the country.

Ol’ Randy – atlas; road map. A name affectionately coined by spending waaaay too many hours looking through a Rand Mc Nally.

Public Staining- soiling oneself in public due to lack of Arizona Groovin’.

Q-Tips- White-haired Florida drivers, normally spotted swerving in and out of lanes at a minimum of ten miles per hour under the speed limit, oblivious of the pile-up behind them. The term “Q-Tip” refers to the only visible sign of a driver: the tuft of white hair visible over the steering wheel.

Rattle and Roll – Fix up and sell.

“renta heffa” – rent a U-Haul. A BIG one.

“Rise and Shine” – Move. Again.

RoadSpeak – the abbreviated code language one adopts as a result of stress caused by jackknifing across the country, i.e., this glossary.

“Roto-root it” – see “the Three R’s”

“shat on” – hurricane damage. For e.g., “The roof ripped off. We were shat on.”

“Sleepover State” – state or city lived in for three months or less. In this case, that would be Arizona, Colorado, New York (for David only since I am from there), and California – the second time.

SomberTown – 1. a new hometown that, while visited, is sunny. While LIVED in, the sun actually hides itself, even while shining brightly one half hour away. 2. any locale where Wal-Mart is King and neither Barnes &Noble nor Starbuck’s will touch.

“Stopover State” - state or city lived in for two excruciating years or less

Swan Dive – Moving to a new city, state, or hemisphere sight unseen and/or stupidly; the feeling one is left with when grieving the loss of a loved one.